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A NEW KIND OF ROMANCE MOVIE
By Cathy Noblick, LCSW
Last night, lacking energy because of a lingering cold, I lay in bed
switching channels between two tried-and-true romantic comedies.
Because I’ve seen parts of the movies “You’ve Got
Mail” and “When Harry Met Sally” over and over again
on the movie channels, finding them now is like running into an old
friend. Both movies follow the developing romance of two people
who get off to a very rocky start but eventually fall in love.
Inevitably, these movies end when the couple finally realize that they
are madly in love and are destined to be together. The touching moments
occur when they excitedly discover new and wonderful things about one
another, when they admit that they have felt an attraction all along,
or when they pledge their undying love for one another. The happy
endings of these formula movies warm the cockles of my heart and bring
a tear to my eye, no matter how many times I’ve seen them.
But I would like to see a new kind of movie about love and
relationships. Perhaps I’ll write the screenplay myself. My new
kind of movie, rather than focusing on the excitement and romance of
new and developing love, would be about the romance of committed
love. But is “the romance of committed love” an
oxymoron? Maybe committed love is not as much about excitement
and romance as about acceptance, understanding, trust and
comfort. Can we really make a movie out of that?
The contrast between new love and committed love is a bit like
the contrast between a new house and a house that you’ve lived in
for some time. A new house is clean and shiny, full of
potential. Everything looks good and works well, but sometimes
you feel disoriented, and you can’t remember which drawer the
cheese grater is in. In an older home, although you know that you have
to whack the basement door in the top right corner to get it to close
properly, you tolerate that idiosyncracy because it’s the same
door where you carefully marked your children’s heights each year
as they grew. A lived-in home has the comfort of history and
familiarity that is impossible to feel in a new home. In the same way,
a long-term committed relationship has an appeal that does not exist in
a new relationship.
So, my movie would not be about the mystery of discovery, but about
the comfort of familiarity and the deep affection that grows from
sharing in solving problems and overcoming obstacles through the years.
It would be about the nurturing and support that long-term couples
offer one another as refuge from the struggles of life. The hero
and heroine of my movie would look more like your neighbors than like
movie stars, but they would have a kind of warmth and sparkle in their
interaction with each other that, as we watched them, would feel like
warming yourself by a crackling fire on a cold winter night. They would
communicate cleanly, honestly and directly with each other, sometimes
using a special shorthand or secret language that only they share. They
would express genuine interest in the details of each other’s
lives and brag shamelessly to strangers about one another’s
talents.
My movie would not lack excitement or adventure. The ups and
downs of life, including things like flooding basements or the birth of
a child would provide the edge-of-your-seat thrills. We would see how
these shared traumas and triumphs strengthen the bond shared by our
couple. And we would see how, when stress increases and conflicts
arise, they give respectful consideration to each other’s point
of view. We would be amazed by the myriad ways our couple finds to show
affection, make contact across a crowded room, or secretly communicate
desire for one another, even in the presence of children.
The end of my movie would not be about “Happily Ever
After”, but rather about the contentment of “Mostly Happily
Ever After With Some Inevitable Ups and Downs and Lots of Patience and
Love to Get Through the Hard Times”.
Would this movie sell at the box office? I’m not sure.
Does it provide a realistic yet positive view of long-term committed
relationships? I’d like to believe so. Does it
reflect the quality of your relationship? I hope so.
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